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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Thanksgiving is the biggest pain in the ass, especially if you’re in a relationship. Why? Because you get stuck having to eat two or three times. I can’t even imagine if your parents are divorced AND your spouse’s parents are divorced. You could conceivably have to eat like four turkey dinners.

As a result, nearly every year I wind up overstuffed and sick for three days. And why? Because people called pilgrims whom I’ve never met dictated eating habits well into the 21^st Century? Are you kidding me?

This is why I’ve decided to make an official Brain Farts list of Crap to Do on Thanksgiving This Year Besides Sitting Around Eating Too Much Damn Turkey. Sure, maybe you’ll still have to do the requisite dinners, but you’ll have a lot more fun. Ready? Here it is …

Crap to Do on Thanksgiving This Year Besides Sitting Around Eating Too Much Damn Turkey :

• Work all day in a homeless shelter making homeless derelicts eat too much turkey instead of you. Pass the time by identifying the mentally and emotionally unbalanced ones when they come through the line and insisting angrily they’ve been through the line twice already. Watch them freak out.
• Invite everyone to your house for Thanksgiving and serve liver cheese with all the trimmings. Tell your family and friends it’s organic, free-range liver cheese, and carve it with a big knife. See if the deli will sell you a big hunk of the stuff unsliced.
• Go to your requisite Thanksgiving dinner and don’t eat. Instead, sit in front of the TV watching football all afternoon wearing a colander like a helmet, and after every play loudly exclaim, “I KNEW they were going to do that!”
• Instead of going to your family’s or your spouse’s family’s dinner, simply go to the house next door to your family dinner and pretend you were invited to their house all along. Watch their faces as you say, “Hi everyone, I’m here! Man, something smells goooo-oooood!”
• When you sit down at the table, start asking people to pass food items that aren’t there. “Hey, Uncle Dave, will you please pass the creamed asparagus and bacon casserole?” See how long the idiot looks around trying to find it. Then target someone at the other end of the table with a different item that isn’t on the menu. But make it sound somewhat plausible, like “deviled eggrolls,” “sweet potato gravy” or “bean muffins.”
• Choose one person at the dinner table and repeat everything they say. It’s funnier if it’s someone old.
• At dinner, dish out a big plate of food for yourself with helpings of everything – and eat nothing but mashed potatoes. Quickly scarf down all your potatoes, then ask someone to pass the mashed potatoes. Finish that second helping quickly, then do it again. Never take a bite of anything else during the entire meal, at least until all the potatoes are gone.
• Ask everyone you can, as often as possible, “When are we going to open the presents?”
• Continually start sentences with the words, “Remember last year when …”. And then say things that didn’t happen. “Remember last year when Grandpa hit Uncle Sonny in the mouth with a turkey leg?” Say it excitedly and make eye contact with at least one person to illicit a response.
• Bring your dog or cat with you and place them in your lap during dinner. Let them eat off your plate, and talk to them as if they are humans. “Whiskers, did you want more dressing? Gosh, I didn’t know you liked cranberry sauce so much! How come you never told me?” Ask them if they can reach the green beans.

You get the idea – the possibilities are almost limitless. Let your imagination make your Thanksgiving more enjoyable this year for you and for loved ones.

And Happy Thanksgiving from Brain Farts.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. And pass the creamed carrot puffs.