Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com  kgramone humor

Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

How many euphemisms do you know for the phrase “to defecate”?

If you’re a guy, this is important knowledge to possess, for many reasons. For one, a well-chosen euphemism is more descriptive and less likely to result in an unsolicited ass-kicking than simply saying “I need to defecate.” (Seriously, if any guy I know told me he had to go defecate, I’d punch him right there on the spot.) Also, using a poo-phemism is a wonderful way to annoy your wife or girlfriend (or both). Nothing stings ’em more than when you throw out a new one without warning.

You: “Honey, the dog just dropped a deuce on the carpet.”

Your significant other: “I hate you more than hatred itself.”

Or  ...

You: “Honey, I can’t go to your mom’s house with you; I have to stay here and mix up a crap cocktail.”

Your significant other: “I hate you more than hatred itself.”

See?

So, to help you, the discriminating male (or, if you’re still reading, extremely cool and self-assured female) with future endeavors, here are some poo-phemisms you should commit to memory. I left out some of the obvious ones like “Go No. 2,” “drop a deuce” (as mentioned above), “dookie” and “pinch one off.” We all know those; the ones I’ve listed below tend to be a little more exotic. Enjoy.

• Make poo (special thanks to my friend Rob for this one)

• Have a shite (from the film, “Snatch”)

• Drop the kids off at the pool (OK, this one’s pretty common. Still ...)

• Lose ten pounds the fast way

• Roll out the barrels (I made up this one myself. Thanks.)

• Dance with the white ribbons (you know ... toilet paper)

• Download some software

• Cut the dense fart

• Drop a depth charge

• Drop a load

• Drop a grogan (what the hell?)

• Drop a steamer

• Drop a splunker (a cross between a “splasher” and a “plunker”)

• Drop a stink pickle

• Drop off the Cosby Kids

• Drop the ‘S’ bomb

• Drop some wolf bait

• Dump your cargo

• Dunk the funk

• Drop a Donald (because dump rhymes with Trump; this one’s actually British)

• Drop an ass loogie

• Make a baby arm

• Give away some nice parting gifts (made up this one, too)

• Dance with the dingleberries

• Bake some brownies

• Make some BBQ nuggets

• Drop a beer deuce (same as drop a deuce, but after a long night of drinking)

• Give birth to the chocolate babies (this is one of my favorites)

• Blow out an o-ring

• Bomb Porcelainia

• Conduct air strikes over Porcelainistan

• Bronze some beef medallions

• Carve a table leg

• Call a closed-door meeting with the Cleveland Browns

• Wrangle the colon cowboy

• Launch an ass rocket

• Back the brown Cadillac out of the garage

• Crank a Hanky (yes, it’s a South Park reference)

• Drop Duce Staley off in the end zone (for you Steelers fans)

• Entertain the peanut gallery

• Erupt the upside-down volcano

• Make a fart rope

• Turn on the ass faucet (this one is specifically for when you have the runs)

• Free the slaves

• Grow a temporary tail

• Build a grunt sculpture

• Hang with Mr. Pooper

• Launch a brown missile

• Make a deposit

• Negotiate the release of some hostages

• Offer a sacrifice to the porcelain gods

• Percolate the butt coffee

• Pour out the liquid ass-meat

• Punch a grumpy

• Release the blind baby seals into the wild

• Break out the salad shooters (this is for when a vegetarian gets the runs)

• Release the sewer trouts

• Skip the brown rocks

• Square one off

• Squeeze the cheese

• Strangle the midgets

• Take a bloody teeth grinder (huh?)

• Sink the Titanic (this is when you make a poo so big it breaks in half when you flush)

• Turn on the Crap-o-Matic

• Unhook the stinky caboose

• Have a visit from Mr. Shittz McCrappen

There you go. And those are only a few. If you Google the term “drop a deuce,” you’ll find way more.

Oh yeah, I forgot one: Unleash the giant corn-eyed butt snake.

There, now I’m done.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. (I know, I know. I’m a sick, disgusting bastard. Sorry.)