Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: After the Sound of the
Beep |
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By Kevin Gibson |
Famous
messages that were never answered ...
Paul McCartney's answering machine: "Hullo? Hey, mates, this is Pete. Are we
going to practice today? Nobody has called me back since Brian got that call
from Parlophone Records. What did they say? Are we going to record an album,
then? What gives?"
Ernest Hemingway's answering machine: "Mr. Hemingway, this is the Mayo Clinic.
Your birthday is coming up, and we just wondered how you've been feeling lately.
Are you getting over the therapy OK? Please give us a call soon."
Jesus Christ's answering machine: "This is the Jerusalem Times circulation
department, sir. We've received word that you've returned home -- should we
start delivering your morning newspaper again?"
Donna Ludwig's answering machine: "Donna, this is Chip from school. Listen, I
heard a rumor that Ritchie won't be able to go to the prom with you, so I
wondered if you would consider going with me. Gimme a call."
Bill Clinton's answering machine (several times): "Bill, call me at home. I'm
late. I think I might be pregnant."
Abraham Lincoln's answering machine: "Sir, this is the maintenance manager at
the Ford Theatre. When I came in this morning, I found a hat in the balcony and
thought you might have left it behind. Please give us a call if you think it
might be yours."
Satan's answering machine: "Satan, this is God. Enough with this Britney Spears
prank; it isn't funny anymore. Wasn't Rosie O'Donnell bad enough? And 'Full
House,' for crying out loud? I know you're there, Satan, so pick up. Dammit,
pick up!"
Carl Brown's answering machine: "Mr. Brown, this is Kentuckians for Mitch
McConnell, and we're just calling to encourage you to vote for Mitch McConnell
this coming election day. Take care, and have a wonderful holiday season."
Jimmy Hoffa's answering machine: "Mr. Hoffa, this is Machus Red Fox restaurant
in Bloomfield Hills again. We know you left without paying last week, and we're
not going to stop calling until you pay us the money you owe. We are serious
about this, Mr. Hoffa. Did you think you could just disappear or something?"
Denny Crum's answering machine: "Hello, sir, this is the University of
Louisville basketball booster club calling. We're reaching out this week to our
fellow Louisvillians to ask for donations to help out our athletic program.
We're very excited about the new season under Coach Rick Pitino, and we were
hoping you'd be willing to make a donation. Please give us a call back if you'd
like to become a Cardinals basketball supporter."
Osama bin Laden's answering machine: "Mr. bin Laden, this is the Associated
Press. We just wondered if you could clarify the recent statement you made that
the Taliban was waiting for the opposition to enter Afghanistan for 'the real
war' to start. We heard most of your army had fled into the mountains. Is that
so? Do you have any comment? Mr. bin Laden, are you there?"
Leave a message for the writer at kgramone@aol.com