bush approval rating Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor cat's ass fart anna kournikova zeitgeist bush approval rating
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: 'Tis Not the Season |
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By Kevin Gibson |
"What do you want for Christmas?" I am often asked. I usually shrug and shift from foot to foot, unable to answer such a question without feeling like the Grinch himself.
I've frequently thought of touching the inquisitor tenderly on the shoulder, smiling warmly, and saying, "Your love, acceptance and friendship are all that I require. So long as I have that, it will last me all the year, 'til the holiday season returns to us once again."
Then, after a pause for drama's sake, I would burst out laughing and say, "Money, of course. You moron."
But as we know, Christmas is all about the gifts. Personally, I think the holidays are great because it gives you a chance to see people you don't get to see much during the rest of the year. Typically, this means you see people you don't really like enough to spend time with the rest of the year.
I know it sounds abrupt and cruel, but who are we kidding? If you haven't seen your cousin Skeet and his wife Elma and their four kids, Sterling, Reba, Wynonna and Elvis, then chances are you don't really want to. Like they say, you can choose your friends, but ... well, you know the saying.
But like I was saying, Christmas is all about gifts, and to many people the gift-buying practice has become like some kind of commando mission. They start bugging the people on their gift list sometime in May and by the end of September, every gift is purchased and wrapped, and it's straight from your list of gift ideas. Don't make a joke and list "Chia Butt" or "Britney Spears wall calendar," because Commando Shopper will take it literally and you will, in fact, find these items under your tree this year.
I enjoy buying gifts without asking for ideas. It sort of says, "Hey, I know you and am interested in you and this is what I spent last Saturday afternoon at the mall finding for you." There's nothing better than the feeling of giving a well-chosen gift. But what about that person on your list you don't really want to buy for? You know who I mean: the friend, co-worker or colleague who bought you a pecan log three years ago (which was probably given to them by cousin Skeet the year before), forcing you to buy them something the following year and ultimately forcing you both into a Christmas gift-giving cycle that can only be halted by death or the FBI witness protection program.
For those people, I recommend giving a gift that will end the cycle unnaturally. For instance, if you swap out the box of wine slated for that annoying insurance agent who gave you that paperweight and replace it with something like, say, a severed head, I could almost guarantee they won't be giving you a gift next year. Problem solved.
And for the commando in your life, send them on a scavenger hunt. Make a list with items like "eye of wombat," "Henry Winkler Sings the Dave Clark Five (on 78rpm record)," "an autographed picture of God," and "hair shirt." See how quickly they get creative. Given some of the alternatives, a gift certificate to Wal*Mart can actually look pretty good on Dec. 26. Say hi to Skeet while you're there.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. He'll respond when he figures out where he's going to get a severed head.