Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com  kgramone humor

Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Anyone out there who voted for George W. Bush, please raise your hand. Thank you. Now please go put your head in a vise and crank it until your vapid, malfunctioning brains come squirting out your nose.

Why? Because something quite disturbing has become clearly evident: The president of these United States is at best a moron and at worst an evil and manipulative, albeit aggressively stupid, entity which must be destroyed. Thank you for your vote. Aren’t you glad you could make a difference?

OK, so that’s a bit extreme. But interestingly, it was recently brought to my attention by my good friend Larry (whom we will henceforth call “Larry” so as to preserve his anonymity) that when rendered on a graph, not surprisingly, the consumer confidence index bears a striking resemblance to Bush’s approval rating. Perhaps more interesting, the declining sales figures of one local business (which also shall remain anonymous), when set up as a bar graph, mirror almost exactly the pattern of Bush’s declining approval rating. (See Figure 1, below.)

Not surprisingly, Bush’s approval rating has fallen as low as 36 percent in some polls (Newsweek and others); by comparison, rancid milk on fire has an overall approval rating of 38.5 percent, and rotting animal carcasses in your bathtub have an approval rating of 37.4 percent – and no one voted for them. (OK, except possibly for that mean kid who lived across the street from me when I was growing up, but he’d do anything to piss me off).

It bears noting that former President Bill Clinton, the week after the House of Representatives approved two articles of impeachment in the wake of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, enjoyed an approval rating as high as 73 percent. Not that I don’t think Clinton acted like an arrogant, self-serving, unevolved redneck, but hey, the numbers don’t lie. Bubba wins.

But let’s crunch the numbers further: In a recent poll of omnipotent deities and evil demons that menace the tortured souls of the damned for all eternity, Bush received mixed ratings. God, who was the sole representative of the omnipotent deities in our Brain Farts poll (sorry, he was the only one we could find), showed a steadily declining approval rating of Bush (see black line, Figure 2, below) that closely mirrors not only the consumer confidence index but also the public opinion Bush approval rating (BAR) as well. The only time God’s Approval Rating of Bush showed any inclination toward the positive was in April of this year, which no doubt had much to do with the start of baseball season or perhaps a really good tax return.

Satan’s Approval Rating of Bush, however, shows a decisive upward trend, starting at a very low point (roughly 15 percent) in January and slowly climbing to well over 70 percent by October. (Note: Since Satan was the only evil demon that menaces the tortured souls of the damned for all eternity that we could find, he represents this poll on his own, much like God does with the omnipotent deity poll.) Looking at the Satan poll (dotted line, Figure 2, above), one can see that Satan’s approval of Bush got better and better as the war in Iraq devolved, FEMA botched the hurricane relief efforts and Bush continued to just generally be a low-life dirtbag.

The final spike seemed to coincide with Bush’s locked-door incident in China during which he made a stupid face in front of several rolling cameras, an image that made all Americans – especially you fatheads who voted for him – look almost as stupid as he looks, and in front of the entire world no less. “That was just icing on the cake of inherent badness,” Satan noted on his poll ballot, inexplicably drawing a smiley face with horns next to the remark.

In other recent public opinion poll news, it was learned that 71 percent of Americans think poop jokes are funny; 56 percent of unmarried left-handed adoxographists with out-of-control ear hair think Julia Roberts looks "a bit mannish," and 84 percent of bored idiots such as myself love making up official-sounding statistics about stupid things.

Yeah, so e-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. And remember, 99.6 percent of Americans don’t know what the hell a Brain Fart even is.

(Graphics courtesy of Larry Alexander.)