Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Pop Culture Gone Horribly
Awry |
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By Kevin Gibson |
This is a Brain Fart that was never published; it was rejected as being a little too, um, strong. A cleaner version of it eventually appeared (Edited For General Audiences, Jan. 30, 2002 -- see the Archives section), but this is how it was intended to read.
While young girls worship her, mimicking everything from her style of dress to her sexually-charged dancing, parents fear that modern pop diva Britney Spears is destructive to their children. Of concern are not only Spears' celebrated affair with 'NSync singer Justin Timberlake, but the repeated and substantiated reports that Spears, before the age of 18, had butt implants.
"I just don't think this is the kind of role model my children need," said Gladys Van Pike, mother and homemaker. "Britney's music is not allowed in our home, and neither is her fake butt."
Young fans, however, remain loyal in the face of such criticism. "Oh, whatever," said a 14-year-old fan who identified herself only as Destiny. "Britney kicks ass. She is a talented, sweet, totally down-to-earth girl who just happens to look good in belly shirts and hip huggers."
Spears also has repeatedly claimed she is a virgin, even while employing sexually explicit lyrics in her songs and suggestive dance moves on stage and in her videos. Examples are songs like "Oops! I Molested My Brother," "Boink Me Baby Six More Times," and "What U See is What U $#%&*."
"How do you know that Britney isn't a virgin?" said another fan, a 12-year-old who said her name is Nipple2. "Have you been following her around, taking pictures and watching her screw guys? Until you have proof that she isn't a virgin, I'm not going to buy it."
Nine-year-old Precious* also defended her idol, saying, "She may have a fake butt, but who cares? She only wants to be wanted. My parents can bite me."
A recent poll on www.satchmo.com asked visitors, "Which is more intelligent: Britney Spears or a cabbage?" Asked for comment on the cabbage's landslide victory (68 percent to 32), Spears herself said, "Mm-hmm soda pop, watch it fizz and pop (oh yeah). The clock is tickin' and we can't stop."
Numerous anti-Britney Spears Web sites have popped up which question not only her intelligence, talent and morals but her very existence. One site, www.seriously,britneyisnotf_ingreal.com, suggests that she is computer generated, from her voice right down to her implanted buttocks.
"Get it Get it Get it Get it (Ugh) Get it Get it (Do you like it?)," commented Spears, panting and rubbing her crotch. "Get it Get it (Whoa) Get it Get it Get it Get it (Ugh)."
And in June, two Dallas DJs created a national panic with a faked report that Spears had perished in an automobile crash. The prank was meant only as a joke, but hundreds of weeping fans called authorities and scanned the Internet seeking the truth. The DJs were later fired.
"Oh, baby baby (Uh-oh) Oh, baby baby (hey-ey, yeah) Oh, baby baby, How was I supposed to know?," Spears said in a prepared statement. "Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go-o-o-o."
Spears' label, Jive Records, threatened a lawsuit. "Uh ooh," added Spears.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. His butt is real.