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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Brain Farts: Two Games and a Cloud of Muck
	By Kevin Gibson October 11, 2000

Damn the NFL and its policies. The Indianapolis Colts' Mustafa Muhammad got suspended without pay for TWO games recently. TWO GAMES. Can you believe that crap?

Who is the jive turkey (my grandpa used to say that all the time) that is in charge of punishing players for minor transgressions? All Muhammad did was beat the poo out of his girlfriend. And he has to miss TWO GAMES? I mean, maybe he got two games because she was pregnant, and he technically beat up two people. Yeah, maybe that was the reasoning.

Still, I mean, what's next? Rae Carruth loses his locker for allegedly having his wife killed? Michael Irvin loses some of his pension because of all those drug arrests? What do they expect him to spend all that money on? Beanie Babies?

Did you know Mark David Chapman is up for parole in one year? The S.O.B. took out a BEATLE, for chrissakes. Did you know he also has a spot on the '80s Icons Web site (www.80s.com/Icons/Bios/mark_david_champan.html)? And they spelled his name wrong in the URL. Did you notice that? I swear it wasn't a LEO copy-editing error.

And under "Claim to Fame" Chapman's page reads "Murdered John Lennon." Helluva legacy. Lots of cool comments on the related message board, too, like "You're gonna burn in hell soon, Chapman." The guy signed his name "Ringo." Could it be? Naaah. The real Ringo wouldn't have the 'nads.

Where were we? Oh yeah, '80s icons. Is there anything worse you could be? You know that damn Web site didn't even have Justine Bateman in its database? Yet Taco is in there. Taco? What the hell? Which reminds me of the Justine Bateman Principle: "If you were famous in the '80s, you will never, ever be unfamous again."

I forgot where I read that.

Here's a quote from Justine Bateman: "There was no emotion in my blood. There was no anger. There was nothing. It was dead silence in my brain. Dead, cold quiet, until he walked up. He looked at me ... he walked past me and then I heard in my head. It said, 'Do it, do it, do it,' over and over again."

OK, I lied. That was a Mark David Chapman quote. And this guy is up for parole? I say two games. No pay. No NFL pension. How do you like us now, Mr. Chapman?

E-mail this writer at kgramone@aol.com. But please don't make fun of his pants.