Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com  kgramone humor

Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

It’s been well documented in Brain Farts that I am a Beatles fan. I wanted to disclose that fact fully before I say this: I am hereby issuing an open challenge to Heather Mills. I want to kick her ass.

When Paul McCartney married her, too soon after the death of his wife Linda, it seemed to me, I wanted to give Mills the benefit of the doubt – even though there was no pre-nup. “She’s a gold-digger,” many said. I retorted that Paul is a smart guy; he knew what he was doing.

He clearly didn’t. I went through an ugly divorce myself, I can say from experience that a person’s true character comes to the fore when times get tough. Paul is finding out that he married a not-so-good person, it appears.

(Funny story: At last May’s Abbey Road on the River in Louisville, which happened soon after the McCartney-Mills divorce became public, my girlfriend and I happened to run across Allan Williams, the Beatles’ first manager, buying a beer. He was there as a guest speaker. I said, “Mr. Williams, you shouldn’t have to pay for your own beer; I know Paul McCartney owes you money.” He winked and said, “Paul’s got his own problems, mate.” Well put.)

Recently some documents magically “leaked” to the media (specifically the British newspaper The Daily Mail, which Paul mentioned in the song “Paperback Writer”) that accuses Sir Paul of attacking his wife with a broken wine glass, of pushing her into a bathtub when she was pregnant with their daughter and of abusing drugs and alcohol, among other things. I even read one report that stated Mills said McCartney lies on the couch nude and gets drunk.

To the latter charge I would say two things: First, it’s his house, so if he wants to get drunk naked, by god, he should. Second, this has nothing to do with anything. If you don’t like it, go into the other room and read. Regardless, this kind of thing should never come to light in anyone’s divorce proceedings. Ridiculous.

And as for the charges of abuse, I’d have to wonder why Linda McCartney never mentioned this. During their lengthy marriage they were, by all appearances, one of the happiest couples on earth. Their children certainly haven’t refuted this, nor have any claims of abuse arisen.

So, if there was violence between Mills and McCartney, could it have been provoked and exaggerated? I can say from the experience of my own ugly divorce that it’s easy for someone to initiate a physical fight and then yell “abuse” when self-defense is employed by the other person.

Consider: Another report accuses Mills of being physically violent with her previous husband. Dianna Karmal, Mills’ former sister-in-law said Mills was prone to become angry when someone caught her in a lie. The story Karmal told is that Mills was once late to meet her husband and others (including Karmal) and told him her car had been towed. In fact, Karmal said, Mills had been drinking with friends.

"She went to slap him but he instinctively put his hand up to protect his face,” British publication The Mirror quoted Karmal as saying.

Manipulative, self-serving, uncaring people do things like this. It happened to me, it apparently happened to Mills’ ex-husband, and it could just as easily happen to Paul McCartney. He’s human, too.

Mills’ spokesman, Phil Hall, said he was “shocked” that the accusations against McCartney leaked to the media. My ass. It was a plant, done deliberately with the intent to sway public sympathy toward Mills’ side of the divorce. This smacks of typical lawyer bullshit. Now I want to kick her lawyers’ asses too.

I’m not saying Paul McCartney is an angel, nor does his wealth or celebrity absolve him from any blame in the demise of his marriage. But it’s dirty to use that celebrity power against the guy, and that’s exactly what this tactic means to do. It’s been my experience that people who sling shit typically are standing in a big pile of it and/or are full of it themselves. And what does that tell you about Mills and her camp?

Come on, Heather, buck up – it’s time for your ass-kicking. E-mail me, and name the place and time. You can even use your fake leg as a weapon, you hopping hussy. And if you don’t think you can take me one-on-one, feel free to bring Yoko along – I’ve got something for her too.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com if you have a problem with this. And please tell me you understand that I don’t really want to fight anyone. It’s irony. GET IT????

Read this story about Mills’ accusations: http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_4541.aspx

Here’s the one about the slapping incident: http://news.sawf.org/Gossip/24675.aspx