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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Brain Farts: All Bark?
	By Kevin Gibson October 24, 2001

My girlfriend and I are shopping for a dog. Recently, we discovered one at the Kentucky Humane Society that we liked quite a bit, although we haven't come to a final decision as of this writing.

We'll call him "Romeo" to protect his identity, although we will tell you he's a Pekingese, and less than a year old. He gave a great interview, although his resume isn't exactly what we were looking for. A follow-up interview is probably in the offing.

Here is an excerpt from the initial interview:

Kevin: So, Romeo, in general, do you think you'd make a good pet?

Romeo: I think my qualifications are impeccable. I'm affectionate, energetic and I aim to please my humans. I've been a dog for about six months now, and I feel I have become quite good at it. While I do still pee in the house on occasion, I feel confident that with the proper training I could overcome that and any other pertinent issues.

Kevin's girlfriend: We plan to have only one pet; why do you think you are qualified to be our dog?

Romeo: For the reasons I cited earlier, to begin with, but I would also note that I come more cheaply than one like me from a breeder. Obviously, you aren't looking for a showdog, so you don't really need a registered animal. Plus, I've been neutered, had all my shots and I am relatively small, which is perfect for apartment living.

Kevin: We're concerned that you may bark more than we would like you to. How do you feel about that?

Romeo: Well, I am a dog, and dogs bark. I can't make any promises, because it's in my nature to do that. But I encourage you to remember WHY I bark, and that is to protect you and your home from possible intruders.

Kevin: I understand, but our neighbors might not see it that way.

Romeo: All I can say is I will do my best.

Kevin's girlfriend: We have relatives who have small children; also, we may consider having children someday. It says on your resume you have a history of occasionally snapping at children.

Romeo: Hey, have you ever had someone grab YOUR ears five times in one day? It gets a little annoying after a while. I would point out that while I have SNAPPED on occasion, I have never actually BITTEN anyone, child or otherwise. It does say that on my resume, too.

Kevin: We appreciate your position; we just have concerns about the potential ...

Romeo: Look, I don't think it's fair of you to discriminate against me because I'm a snapper. Lots of dogs are snappers. There is a Fairness Ordinance, you know. Dogs can get attorneys, too. I think you need to think about that.

Kevin: Uh, yes, that's true. We appreciate you talking with us, Romeo. We'll be in touch.

Romeo: Oh yeah, I've heard THAT one before.

Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. And please spay or neuter your pets. There aren't enough jobs for them all.