bush approval rating Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor cat's ass fart anna kournikova zeitgeist bush approval rating
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: All Bark? |
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By Kevin Gibson |
My girlfriend and I are
shopping for a dog. Recently, we discovered one at the Kentucky Humane Society
that we liked quite a bit, although we haven't come to a final decision as of
this writing.
We'll call him "Romeo" to protect his identity, although we will tell you he's a
Pekingese, and less than a year old. He gave a great interview, although his
resume isn't exactly what we were looking for. A follow-up interview is probably
in the offing.
Here is an excerpt from the initial interview:
Kevin: So, Romeo, in general, do you think you'd make a good pet?
Romeo: I think my qualifications are impeccable. I'm affectionate, energetic and
I aim to please my humans. I've been a dog for about six months now, and I feel
I have become quite good at it. While I do still pee in the house on occasion, I
feel confident that with the proper training I could overcome that and any other
pertinent issues.
Kevin's girlfriend: We plan to have only one pet; why do you think you are
qualified to be our dog?
Romeo: For the reasons I cited earlier, to begin with, but I would also note
that I come more cheaply than one like me from a breeder. Obviously, you aren't
looking for a showdog, so you don't really need a registered animal. Plus, I've
been neutered, had all my shots and I am relatively small, which is perfect for
apartment living.
Kevin: We're concerned that you may bark more than we would like you to. How do
you feel about that?
Romeo: Well, I am a dog, and dogs bark. I can't make any promises, because it's
in my nature to do that. But I encourage you to remember WHY I bark, and that is
to protect you and your home from possible intruders.
Kevin: I understand, but our neighbors might not see it that way.
Romeo: All I can say is I will do my best.
Kevin's girlfriend: We have relatives who have small children; also, we may
consider having children someday. It says on your resume you have a history of
occasionally snapping at children.
Romeo: Hey, have you ever had someone grab YOUR ears five times in one day? It
gets a little annoying after a while. I would point out that while I have
SNAPPED on occasion, I have never actually BITTEN anyone, child or otherwise. It
does say that on my resume, too.
Kevin: We appreciate your position; we just have concerns about the potential
...
Romeo: Look, I don't think it's fair of you to discriminate against me because
I'm a snapper. Lots of dogs are snappers. There is a Fairness Ordinance, you
know. Dogs can get attorneys, too. I think you need to think about that.
Kevin: Uh, yes, that's true. We appreciate you talking with us, Romeo. We'll be
in touch.
Romeo: Oh yeah, I've heard THAT one before.
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. And please spay or neuter your pets.
There aren't enough jobs for them all.