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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

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This Just In: God fired; Bono tapped as replacement

News outlets across the world today were reporting strange and earth-shattering news: God has been fired from his position as the world’s universal deity, and he has been replaced by U2 frontman Bono.

“It made sense,” said the Pope through a Vatican press release. “For one thing, Bono only has one name, just like the previous God. Also, when’s the last time you actually saw God? Everywhere I look, Bono is shaking hands with some new foreign dignitary, so he’ll be a more visible leader. Plus, I heard he’s a 7-1 shot to win the Nobel Prize this year. I mean, God’s never won it, and this Bono guy is just a freaking rock ’n’ roll star. Thank you, my subjects, but I have to call my bookie.”

Revered for his work to bring plight in Africa into the world’s consciousness, along with his message to promote Christianity and world peace, Bono first came into the public eye in 1980 when his band U2 released the album Boy. Through the 1980s, the band became more and more synonymous with grandiose, and sometimes even stupid, posturing in order to push Bono’s religious and political beliefs and, of course, to make lots of money from record and concert sales.

Through the years, Bono morphed into a giant, posing, self-righteous public relations whore, trying to raise awareness for the poverty-stricken while flying around the world in private jets and riding in limousines so profanely lavish that he bought new ones each time he ran over his neighbors’ dogs. It was rumored he spent millions to reinforce the security gate around his mansion just to make sure no one could get a glimpse of him coming and going.

“A bloody twit, that’s what he is,” said God in a prepared statement issued to The Associated Press. “I give this guy life, and what does he do? He becomes a smug, egomaniacal, hypocritical turd, that’s what. He should spend more time destroying his liver at the local pub, like his Irish forebears. Sure, he gives a lot of money to charity, but so did Hitler. You didn’t see him nominated for any Nobel Prizes. OK, well, just that one time. But you get my point.”

“Well, if I can’t get that job, then I guess Bono should,” said U.S. President George W. Bush, who noted that he had planned to campaign for God in 2008 but would now postpone the idea. “He has a good, firm handshake, kind of like a cowboy or a used car dealer. And I know that Bono, I think his first name is Steve, will love his subjects much like I love my subjects -- I mean my citizens – in the world of the United States people where I live.”

But many aren’t so keen on Bono – possibly best known in artistic circles for his timeless lyric “Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah” in the song “Vertigo,” which received the highest level of artistic accolade when it was used in an iPod commercial – taking the helm of organized religion and all of existence as we know it.

In fact, some Bono-haters believe that each time we see him prance around an arena stage like a flaming faux messiah in black Oakleys, we each die a little inside. By many accounts, he’s an aging man-brat who’s had his ego stroked to the point that he’s unable to comprehend anything but his own grandiosity; in short, he’s a self-feeding social boil that borders dangerously on a heinous pus-scattering explosion. Or so say his doubters. That he was the subject of a documentary titled “Bono: God’s Favorite Son” only underscores the point his critics make.

But at the same time, he also has won the hearts of high-profile pundits across the globe, which no doubt aided him in his successful quest to take God’s throne. After famously and publicly making out with former U.S. Senator Jesse Helms, now 127, in the U.S. Senate Foreign Relations Committee conference room in 2001, Bono quickly rose through the ranks of do-gooders who always seem to have an album coming out the week after making a public plea for peace.

“I love the man,” said the now-retired Helms. “I love his passion, his Christian beliefs and his determination. And he’s a damn good kisser, too.”

All this has made the old joke about Johnny Carson’s foray through the pearly gates quite ironic. It goes like this: Carson, arriving at the gates, is taken for the Heavenly grand tour by St. Peter. Soon, he notices Frank Sinatra walking by. “Never thought he’d make it here,” Carson mutters. Not long after, Jim Morrison stumbles by. “What? Morrison made it too? Unbelievable.” A little further along, Johnny spots Bono primping in front of a mirror. “When did Bono die?” Carson asks. “No, no, that’s God,” replied St. Peter. “He just thinks he’s Bono.”

With Bono now at the helm of the universe, many predict the suffering in Africa will quickly end, followed by the eradication of all war and nuclear weapons, then immediately followed by yet another artistically irrelevant U2 album. Time will tell what the future holds after that.

Added God in his statement, “Well, even though it sucks to be out of work, I’ve been smart with my finances, so I’m not strapped or anything. I’ll probably write a book, maybe take in some NFL games. But I ain’t buying that f#$%ing new U2 album.”

E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.