Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Me, Myself and I |
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By Kevin Gibson |
In an
effort to make my life much simpler, I have decided to become a self-absorbed,
megalomaniacal, egotistical ass.
You should try it, too. Imagine: no more self-doubt, no more conscience, no more
lost sleep.
From now on, when someone writes a letter to the editor stating that I am a
complete idiot, there will be no worry that my editors will believe it. I will
merely laugh it off, because I KNOW I’m right. Even if the editors should
believe it, I know they’re wrong, too.
Instead of lying awake at night wondering if I was right to seduce my attractive
young intern then kill her to cover up the affair, I will sleep peacefully in
the knowledge that I am all-knowing, and that the very fact that the plot
occurred to me — and that I was ultimately successful in the seduction and
murder — makes it right by default.
Or, for instance, during one of those situations in which some lazy moron fails
to use his turn signal, and I fire several warning shots into his passenger side
window, I won’t ever have to wonder if I might have overreacted. “Of COURSE you
didn’t overreact,” I’ll tell myself. “You’re YOU.”
Same thing if I’m in a bar and some guy looks at my girlfriend. It’s no longer
an issue of “Should I belt him?” or “He’s bigger than me, so should I belt him
when he’s not looking?” It’s just, “OK, belt him.” Bam. And it’s done.
Gee, now that I think about it, that would be almost like being Bob Knight. And
wouldn’t that make a great concept for a film? Yeah, “Being Bob Knight.” And I
didn’t steal the idea, because I said I didn’t.
There’s more. Imagine how much easier work would be:
Boss: “Did you finish the concepts for that marketing campaign?”
Me: “Yep. I decided on duckies and horsies.”
Boss: “Pathetic. That’s a terrible idea.”
Me: “Wrong again. Sorry.”
Or driving:
Officer: “I pulled you over because you were speeding.”
Me: “No I wasn’t. Are you through wasting my time now?”
Officer: “OK, get out. You’re under arrest.”
Now, it may sound a little hairy, but wouldn’t it be great to know that you
could dump the cop’s body wherever you wanted and feel no guilt? Hey, you HAD to
do it, right? So it isn’t REALLY murder. And you could even reassure yourself
that it isn’t littering, because the body is biodegradable. Gee, I think of
everything!
So, join me in superiority. Forget what your parents told you about the golden
rule and peaceful coexistence. You’re right! You’re No. 1! Join me, and we can
form an all-powerful association of egotistical bastards! What could we call
ourselves? Congress?
Hmm, maybe we can decide that at the first meeting. There’s only one thing that
bothers me: Who gets to be chairman of the board?
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
C’mon, you know he’s right about this.