Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com  kgramone humor

Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

A wildlife official in Australia said recently that at least 10 stingrays have been killed since the death of “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin, who was himself fatally injured last week by a stingray while filming his popular television show.

"It may be some sort of retribution, or it may be fear from certain individuals, or it just may be yet another callous act toward wildlife," Michael Hornby, executive director of Irwin's Wildlife Warriors conservation group, said. “We are disgusted and disappointed that people would take this sort of action to hurt wildlife.”

This is a worrisome trend that has quietly spread. Brain Farts also has learned that, enraged by her recent drunk-driving arrest and negative publicity, fans of Paris Hilton have been brutally murdering cactus plants to exact revenge against tequila. Hilton allegedly had two margaritas before her arrest.

“That is so hot,” said Hilton’s PR agency, Pathetic Sycophants Inc., in a press release.

In other incidents, reports have indicated that many Republicans have cited an almost horrific backlash against blatant stupidity as a result of George W. Bush’s presidency.

“We hope this will not continue,” said Dave Lackey, head of the GOP Action Group Blind Followers of the Warmongering Idiot. “Pres. Bush would not wish any harm to come to stupidity; he is, in fact, a staunch supporter and practitioner.”

Critics of such forms of targeted terrorism point out the extreme nature of acts such as randomly killing stingrays or butchering innocent cacti.

“It is likely that the stingrays being killed are not even related to the stingray that killed Irwin,” said Dr. Guy Random of the American Irrationality Research Institute. “And do Hilton’s idiot fans even realize that tequila is not really made from cactus plants? Besides, it’s likely that, had she not ingested the tequila, she would have simply poured vodka or Jagermeister or pure-grain down her throat while dancing naked on a bar and would have ended up in the same sloppy, drunken state. She is, after all, a self-important skank with too much money and little if any regard for anything or anyone else.

“Personally, I’d like to see what would happen to the bitch if her money and fame were taken away and she was forced to live like a regular person for a week, with rent to pay and a job that … well, a freaking JOB. And NOT a job play-acting for some stupid ‘reality’ TV show either. Do you know I drive a 1987 Toyota every day while that slut drives around drunk in sports cars? 1987 – and the transmission slips. I have a P.H.-freaking-D., for chrissakes!”

Reports that Rosie O’Donnell fans have begun targeting donuts and ice cream in retaliation over the fact that O’Donnell is a fat, angry, narcissistic blob of stinky goo are unconfirmed.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. And don’t tell me you didn’t see this coming, either.