Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Bringing Out the Worst |
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By Kevin Gibson |
Like
you, I spent last week and a good part of the weekend glued to the television,
feeling alternately devastated and numb, trying to make sense of — trying to
believe — what happened last Tuesday, Sept. 11.
At times I think the stories of heroism and the coming together of a nation
united in grief were the only things that kept me from plummeting into a deep
depression. I salute all the rescue workers who risked (and in many cases lost)
their lives, the victims and their families, and anyone else who paid a price
they didn’t owe or who otherwise rose up to make things a little bit better than
they could have been.
But the sad news was that the e-mail I got asking for a victim relief donation
was a hoax. That address is expressrelieffund2001@yahoo.com, so don’t give them
money. Unless you’re an idiot.
I was initially happy there weren’t more reports of looting, too, given that
everyone in Manhattan was still numb from the shock of what happened last
Tuesday, making them easy prey.
Lest we think the ghouls had developed a conscience, however, I quickly learned
they discovered a new way to prey — eBay. I found an auction for a $3.95 sticker
dedicated to the fallen firefighters in New York. The description read in part:
“This decal is dedicated to all of the firefighters who lost their lives in the
World Trade Center attack on Sept. 11, 2001. ... They are $3.95 each plus $1.50
shipping. Ten percent of all proceeds go to the Fallen Firefighter Fund ... We
give quantity discounts ... God Bless.”
Quantity discounts? Ten percent? Where would the other 90 percent go? Toward the
seller’s mortgage? I e-mailed the guy to inquire about whether he actually has a
soul. He eventually got back to me, just before press time, and responded
thusly: “I received some really nasty e-mail suggesting that I am trying to
profit off of this tragedy ... I resent that ... Instead of offering 10 percent
to the Fallen Firefighter Fund, I have increased it to 25 percent.” Gee, I feel
better already.
Now, the truth is that eBay outright canceled auctions that were obviously
designed to capitalize on what happened. Good call. And there certainly was no
shortage of auctions to cancel. I found pictures of Jesus up for auction, copies
of Wednesday’s edition of USA Today (four bits one day, $12.95 the next),
drawings of angels looking down on Manhattan, videos of the attacks (sick
bastards) and more. When we annihilate whoever orchestrated the attacks, we
should bomb the (bleep) out of those vultures, too.
Here’s something interesting that a co-worker forwarded to me. It came from CNN:
“When baseball commissioner Bud Selig walked into his office Wednesday morning,
his first fax was from an angry fan who didn’t understand why games had been
postponed.” Bomb that guy, too.
Sorry, don’t mean to be so negative. Must be the carnage and destruction
affecting my state of mind. I’ll feel better when the bombs are dropped. (Did I
mention I’m pissed?)
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
And then let’s destroy those SOBs.