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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Brain Farts: Tit For Tat
	By Kevin Gibson September 26, 2001

Once upon a time this great big dog was ambling down the road, lost, and a raccoon came up and said, "Hey man, you look lost," and the dog said, "Yeah, I'm lost and real tired." So the raccoon told the dog he would find him a real comfortable place to sleep for 50 cents, and the dog agreed.

So when the raccoon showed the dog where to sleep, the dog said, "Hey, that looks like asphalt, how could that be a good place to sleep?" and the raccoon said, "Trust me, man, you're new here, and I take care of the new kids." So the dog said, "OK," and laid down to sleep.

It was dark and quiet, so the dog fell asleep fast, even though the ground was hard and cold, but a few minutes later a car came along, ran over the dog and rolled him over about six times, bouncing him about 40 feet down the road.

"Ow," said the dog, "that knocked the breath out of me, what was that thing?" Then he noticed the raccoon and a bunch of other animals along the side of the road just laughing to beat everything, so the big old dog said, "What's so funny?" But they told him it was just a bad dream and to go on back to sleep.

So he did, and a few minutes later a pickup truck came roaring by and ran over the dog, dragging him 50 feet down the road and leaving tire tracks across his stomach. The dog said, "Ow, those things keep waking me up."

The raccoon and the other animals were laughing and laughing, and the dog said, "You know what? I think you set me up, so I ain't sleeping here no more."

The raccoon said, "Sorry, it was just a little joke we always pull on the new kids, no hard feelings, OK?"

So the dog said, "No hard feelings," and shook paws with the raccoon and said, "If you help me find my way home, I'll see you all get some free food."

So the animals said, "OK," and together they all helped the dog find his house, and he was relieved and happy so he said, "OK, follow me if you want food."

The dog led the animals behind a restaurant to a dumpster, and the raccoon said, "Oh boy, table scraps!" and the dog said, "No, not that, come over here." He showed them that behind the dumpster there was a whole bunch of bread just lying there.

So the raccoon and his friends sat down and ate while the dog watched. Later, while they were lying around all full and fat and mellow, the raccoon said, "That was good, but this bread has a funny after-taste," and all his friends agreed.

The dog said he figured that would be the case, so the raccoon said, "What made it taste like that?"

And the dog said, "Rat poison."

Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Have a snack.