Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Catcall Your Congressman |
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By Kevin Gibson |
This
isn’t terribly original, but I simply can’t help myself. Some of the laws that
remain on the books in the United States are so silly that they beg to be
publicized. These are, perhaps, the ultimate brain farts because they
potentially affect everyone.
For instance, it is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky. Right,
thanks. In Lexington, it is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your
pocket. It’s also not very practical and maybe even a little stupid, but do we
really need a law to stop us from doing it? And according to Lexington law,
anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the
ground.” If I’m trying to hold on to the ground, I have problems that are more
serious than drinking.
And this one may be my favorite, passed in 1966: “No person shall sell,
exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks,
ducklings or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor dye or
color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits ...”
Maybe it’s just me, but if we need laws to prevent this, we’re too stupid to
actually abide by them in the first place.
But our neighbors to the north, the Hoosiers, have the best worst laws. For
instance: Get clean now, Indiana, because it is unlawful to take a bath between
the months of October and March. Makes for a long winter.
Also, lock up your sons: A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory
rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is
under the age of 17. (Does this apply only to female passengers?)
In Indiana, you can get out of paying for a dependent’s medical care by praying
for him or her. No wonder insurance is so damn high.
And this one really perplexes me: Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a
tendency to habitually kiss other humans. I ... have no response to that.
There are, however, some laws that don’t surprise me. For instance, smoking in
the state legislature building is prohibited — except when the legislature is in
session. Also, pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from
wearing taillights. I, too, have had it with people who wear taillights. It’s
about time someone did something about it.
And while drunk driving laws might be too lenient, drinking laws are just
unreasonable: Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest,
and you are not allowed to carry a drink from the bar to a table. Furthermore,
men are prohibited from standing in a bar.
Hmm. Sort of brings that “holding onto the ground” thing into perspective. Make
mine a double, bartender. I’m losing my grip.
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. In
Louisville, it is a misdemeanor offense not to.