Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com  kgramone humor

Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Darrell the Evil Clown's
Words of Wisdom

Christmas

On blessed Christmas, Christ our savior was born in a manger, many years ago. For this reason, we celebrate each year by getting together with our families and exchanging gifts - gifts that symbolize the ultimate gift God gave to us. Now, buy me a goddamn Wii, or I'll pull your intestines out through your rectum and have a blood orgy with them on your mommy's front porch. Drunk. On cheap party liquor. I hate you. Love, Darrell

On Flowers
I love flowers. Flowers are so beautiful as to make my soul feel as if it is being carried across the plains by a gentle spring breeze. I love daffodils, roses and daisies. I like them so much that sometimes I send myself flowers, just to remind me that I'm beautiful, too. Naah, I'm  just shitting you. Flowers suck, and I'm a bitter, angry bastard in makeup. Love, Darrell

On Dogs
Dogs are the only creatures on the planet we can truly trust. You can't trust people; but a dog accepts you as you are. We give dogs love and attention we can spare, and in return they give us their all. And we all know poodle tastes really good, so that's something right there. Love, Darrell

On Flying
It’s important to note that humans can’t fly; they don’t have wings. When I was just a little clown, I used to fantasize that my friends could fly. So, I would lure them to the top of the apartment building where I lived and push them off. That’s how I learned that humans can’t fly. But they sure do make a neat sound when they land. Love, Darrell

Ham is Good
Ham is good. It’s salty, like pretzels, only it’s meat. Clowns like meat. Ham isn’t as good as poodle meat, but it’s certainly more tender and easier to find in grocery stores. And, unlike love, ham won’t betray you; that is, unless you leave it in the fridge for, like, two months, then scrape off the green stuff and eat it. Then it’s potentially more dangerous than love. Love, Darrell

What is Love?
Love is something that we all seek; it is the universal answer to happiness and tranquility. Unfortunately, it is also a brutal, senseless lie; it is social propaganda that threatens to drive us all to emotional self-destruction and makes us want to hurt puppies. Hmpf. I was human once, you know. Love, Darrell

What is Life?
Life is what you do to pass the time while you’re waiting to die. Alone. On your birthday. Because, seriously, no matter what you do, does it really do any good? Of course not. And that’s why man invented vodka. Love, Darrell